Birth Stories are Overwhelming.

Every time I try to write Carolina’s birth story, I find myself completely overwhelmed. What info do I include? There are parts that are foggy in my memory, what do I do about those?

Eventually I will put it all together, but here is the condensed version.

Carolina was born after 46 hours of induced labor, via semi-urgent c-section. After walking, bouncing on the birthing ball, weird hip movements to try to turn her around and stop my back labor, pitocin, a foley catheter (I would not wish this on my worst enemy), my water being broken by the doctor, and even a few stints in the tub, my body wouldn’t dialate past 3.5 to 4 (depending on which doctor measured). I also developed a uterine infection after they broke my water. When her heart rate started to spike, along with my fever, there wasn’t much else that could be done. She was fully engaged, but my body wasn’t responding.

The c section itself was more horrifying than the 46 hours leading up to it. I lost about a third of my blood and ended up needing a transfusion. And a big F You to everyone who says it’s “just a little pressure.”

But my beautiful girl was perfect, and came out showing off a strong set of lungs and a tuft of hair on the back of her head.

She is everything I never knew I wanted. 6 pounds 12 ounces, and 20 inches long, born May 13th.

34 weeks.

Things really sort of have begun to change for me over night. Mainly, last night. The reality is that I have been done being pregnant since I started, but the real reality is that I had no idea.

I still don’t feel particularly large. Although that has begun to change in the last two weeks, as my men’s medium shirts I have collected are beginning to feel the strain, and even in large I can no longer hide the belly. I just don’t feel comfortable being looked at or touched, I have never enjoyed being the center of attention. So whenever I leave the house I do my best to appear more on the chubby side than the alternative. Which is getting much more difficult.

I developed a groan a few weeks back. It comes out involuntarily whenever I have to get up off the floor/couch/wherever. I have also reached a point where I dropped something in the store last week, and, after glancing around nervously, I most definitely left it there and walked away. I have never been that type, having worked in retail. Things are always folded and put back nicely whenever I am shopping. At least until now, sorry guys.

I also have developed a lovely pain in my right hip and tail bone. There have only been brief moments of it over the last couple weeks, but yesterday it appeared with much more dedication, and has yet to leave. It really isn’t bad, more of a nuisance if anything.

I am doing my best to prepare for labor. Hahaha. Okay, maybe not. I’m doing some squats, that’s about it. There is definitely more I could be doing, and will probably start. I might make more of an effort, but many of my friends have kids, two of their births I was there for. I don’t feel horribly scared, nervous yes. But much, much more terrified about what I am going to do with my little bundle after it arrives. My current stresses aren’t derived from whether or not I want an epidural, but whether or not I want my baby to have a pacifier.

7.5 months.

31 weeks on Wednesday. At 32 weeks if I happen to have Tiny Baby far too early, it will be able to stay at the same hospital with me, and not be transferred to a special one. I have no signs of preterm labor, but am using ever milestone I can to help me get through this. Things are definitely getting more difficult.

I’m nauseous again, and have trouble keeping my breakfast down. I have heartburn that makes my eyes water, but sometimes I have days where it leaves me alone. I noticed today that I have officially started grunting when I get up off the floor. I don’t spend that much time there, but it is where I do my hair and make up in the morning. May have to change that so I don’t get stuck!
Now that baby is getting bigger, the movements are so much different, and often happen on two sides at once. It’s not uncommon to take a punch in the ribs and a kick in the bladder at the same time. I’m wishing it was a punch in the bladder and kick in the rib, but we don’t know how baby’s positioned yet, and I can’t remember when the doctor said she would check. I wish she would sooner rather than later. I’m the kind of person who gets anxiety over anything possible, and I’m definitely worried baby won’t flip. Because there has to be something for me to worry about!

Spoke too soon.

So I many have spoke too soon in my last post. Everything was going smoothly, and even BD & I were getting along. But now he’s gone and made me angry, again.

Recap: I’ll be 7 months pregnant on Wednesday. Third trimester. I told him I was pregnant mere days after I found out. I would estimate at 5 weeks. This baby is not a surprise for him.

He told me yesterday he may be in San Diego for some sort of Navy training – he’s in the reserves – the end of April through May 8th. I am due May 6th. When I asked they knew he was expecting a child to be born around that time, he replied saying no, and that he didn’t want to object because “they already seemed upset.”

…..

I could be wrong, but you may also be upset if you miss the birth of your child because you didn’t inform your higher ups that you were having a baby. This is not new news. This is not a surprise to you. And now you’re waiting to request a different time because…you don’t want them to be more upset? You’re not overseas. Or working for them 24/7. You work one weekend a month. That’s all. I feel like they may be willing to work with you if you ask. You’re not asking them for a flight home from Iraq for a month so you can see your baby be born. You’re asking them to reschedule your training. A training which they have now moved the dates of 3 times.

I’m not silly. I know babies rarely come on their due dates, especially first babies. I fully expect to go as late as the doctors will allow, which means he will be back in time.

I just don’t understand his priorities. If you have an event coming up that could affect your work, you inform your employer as ahead of time as possible. Is that not common sense?

And I don’t fully understand worrying about upsetting them. They’re the Navy. Not your buddies. You aren’t telling them you’re going to miss their birthday party, you’re requesting your work days be switched.

But how can I expect anything else. Last week you posted on Facebook about a video game release date. You still haven’t posted anything about your baby’s due date.

I try my best not to expect anything from you. And sometimes I do okay at it. But I get so frustrated because I
can’t understand what goes through your head. How you think these things are okay.

Absent

I haven’t posted anything in a while. Probably because I haven’t been horribly upset. I still have moments of frustration with the BD, but for the most part it just makes me shake my head and laugh now.

I’m 27 weeks and 3 days. Almost to the 3rd trimester?! I didn’t even realize that until today. There was so much anxiety and impatience revolving around getting to the second trimester, that when I finally got there I must have just relaxed.

I am finally starting to look pregnant and not fat. On certain days. As long as I’m wearing a maternity shirt. And not wearing a jacket…. I can definitely still hide it, not that I’m trying to.

I pee all the time. All the time. It’s crazy. And Tiny Baby also moves all the time now, and you can finally feel it from the outside! All of the movements are very low though, which makes me wonder about how it’s positioned. It also makes me very uninterested in allowing people to try to feel. Because those kicks are LOW.

There isn’t much else to report. I passed my glucose test, which wasn’t nearly as awful as I expected. The drink wasn’t good, but it wasn’t the syrupy too sweet sickening thing I pictured. I can’t drink fast at all. Can’t even chug or take a shot of plain old water, and I was able to finish this in 3 out of 5 minutes. I also felt completely fine. And I think the drink actually filled me up. I wasn’t actually hungry until over an hour later when it was almost time to go (I had the two hour test). I feel silly for how much I stressed over it.

I am just so ready for baby to be here, but now that the movements are getting stronger I think it’s helping me be more patient. I’ve also been trying to appreciate things more now. A friend of mine just miscarried at 15 weeks. She was doing everything right, is married, working, and in school. She is the perfect candidate for a baby. My heart broke for her and the unfairness of it. I have only imagined what she’s going through, and the thought of how lucky I am makes the aches and pains seem far less annoying.

Year end review

I had my year end performance review yesterday as my second anniversary of working here is upon us. Last year I didn’t get one, I just got an email saying I was doing great, and would be getting a raise. So, needless to say, I was a bit worried about what this review would entail. Especially since, due to my lack of ability to kiss ass, I have been on the outs with the boss lately. Honestly, I feel that I’ve been on the outs since I told her I was pregnant, but that’s another story.

The review went much better than I thought. My manager basically told me I’m amazing at everything I do, my only “weakness” is that I was misunderstood in an email I sent recently. This is also another story for another day.

And then my manager brought up cutting some losses. Saving some money for the company. And how did I feel about part time. My eyes more than likely lit up. Part time? Of course I wanted part time! With all the things I need to do to get ready for the baby, all the appointments and cleaning and exercises I envision myself partaking in, how could I say no? I am also the only person who doesn’t use the employee health insurance, by my choice. So it makes sense that I would go to part time, and not have anyone else lose their coverage.

I wish I wouldn’t have jumped the gun so quickly. I hate that. I’m a very impulsive person, and I don’t give myself time to think. Had I kept my cool would she have gone on to tell me that I had no choice in the matter? Was I being forced? If I could have clarified at least that….. because now I have learned that I cannot work more than 23.5 hours per week. Meaning… I no longer qualify for maternity leave.

Sometimes she is more clever & conniving then I give her credit for. I also can’t use the 401k benefit anymore, or vacation time. I was also told that if I miss any of my days for whatever reason, I cannot make up the hours on one of my off days. I suppose this makes sense.

I’m just kicking myself in the foot over and over again for not waiting to see what else she had to say, for agreeing too quickly. Of course I don’t want to work full time, but without maternity leave benefits, my employment now has a countdown attached to it. She may come in and offer me something minimal, holding my position open for a certain amount of time, but it is unlikely.
If my 2015 resolution was to be less impulsive, I’m off to a bad start.

Complaints about the BD.

I feel like all I post on here is complaints about the BD (seems more classy to me than saying Baby Daddy). But he really just drives me slightly crazy.

A week or so ago my mom found out my step dad needed to have a procedure done the same day and time my gestational diabetes test is. I have a vehicle, but I’m awful at parking, and I would never be able to get my truck into the tiny spots at my doctor’s office. Not to mention I have heard that most women don’t feel well at all after the testing. So I decided to ask BD if he could take me. I knew that he was leaving the next day for training related to his Navy reserve stuff, but I thought I’d ask anyways as I am unable to forget when he referred to us having a baby as 50/50. This would be a great thing for him to help with, and actually be somewhat involved.

He was noncommittal at first, and he didn’t reply to my text saying “I just need to know if you can so I can plan my ride….” Needless to say I was irritated because the conversation obviously wasn’t over, but my appointment isn’t until February so I shrugged it off.

Then yesterday, as I was feeling oddly friendly and considerate towards him, I thought I’d reach out and let him know the other dates and times for appointments coming up, in case he wanted to go. I also brought back up the February appointment, and just asked that he clarify whether or not he could take me. He said he could. And he followed up with “but I’ll probably just drop you off and go to the gym or something…” And went on to say 3 hours is a long time to sit there.

I about lost it there. 3 hours is a long time to sit there, that’s true. But I have to do it. 40 weeks is also a long time to be pregnant, but that’s an experience I’m having on my own, and don’t even have the ability to share with anyone. I can’t wake up and say “Yeah, I don’t want to be pregnant today, it’s your turn.” And hand the pregnancy off to him for a bit. That’s not how it works.

I did my best to keep my cool, and told him that it takes 3 hours because…. and listed everything that needs done. And then informed him that there was a 100% chance if he left me alone I wouldn’t be happy. He didn’t feel the need to reply.

I don’t necessarily have high hopes for him, and I try not to expect much, since I’m 5.5 months pregnant and he still hasn’t announced he’s going to be a dad. But how can he have the audacity to complain about having to sit with me for 3 hours? Can’t he just be supportive in one small way?

It always brings me back to this being 50/50 in his eyes. HA. 50/50 my ass.

We’re halfway there.

20 weeks tomorrow! We will finally be at the halfway point. Which in some ways seems really far, and at other times I’m groaning “Ugh! Only halfway?!” I had an ultrasound last week. My mom and the dad came. The doctor just got back to me yesterday saying everything looked good. Baby is still very stubborn. The ultrasound tech had me moving all around trying to get Baby to roll so she could get a picture of the spine. She finally had to give up. They also confirmed that I’m probably not feeling much movement because of the location of the placenta. It’s actually acting as a punching bag and absorbing most of the punches and kicks.

I was theoretically glad the dad came to the ultrasound. Theoretically. In theory. Luckily he nice. Offered to hold my purse, etc. I let him, so I think that’s progress on my part? Lol. He also took pictures of the pictures to…. take home I guess. Because he doesn’t appear to be sharing them with anyone. My mom said she was going to post the pictures to Facebook and asked if she could tag him. He about had a panic attack. And said he needed to tell his grandma first and he was going there now.

He did end up telling her, and I believe she was happy – which is progress as far as his family goes. However, my mom asked about tagging him in something again, and he again, said no. After putting 2 and 4 and 6 together it is beginning to look a little like it’s possible his ex who he “hasn’t dated in over a year” may not have actually been is ex, and may have actually still been his girlfriend at the time of cenception. Big surprise there. Sometimes I really don’t understand why I trust people who have continuously given me reason not to.

Either way, as every week goes by I think, “Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the week he’ll announce on Facebook that he’s gonna be a dad.” (Side note, I understand how pathetic it is that we judge people and their level of…. we’ll say “commitment” by when they post it on facebook). But we’re halfway…. what is he waiting for? 3/4? When it’s happening? After it’s born? I know it’s silly, but I feel like his lack of posting shows shame. And I don’t care if he’s ashamed of me, I’m certainly not proud of him. But I won’t be so acceptant of him feeling shame towards the baby. That doesn’t work for me.

But maybe I’m just being pregnant and bitchy. Maybe that’s all.

50/50

When I told you I wanted to go to the first doctors appointment without you so I could meet my doctor, you thought it wasn’t fair because parenting is “50/50”. I’m beginning to disagree. 19 weeks in, almost 50% of the way through this pregnancy, I’m not sure why you thought that.

I’ve paid for 100% of the doctors appointments. Everything but the ultrasounds is covered, luckily. But I’ve still paid.

I’ve purchased my 2 separate prenatal vitamins multiple times. They last me about a month and a half. I pay for 100% of those.

I’ve purchased the clothes I need for my growing body, 100%.

I’ve told 100% of my friends and family that I will be expecting a bundle of joy the beginning of May, you about had a panic attack when my mom asked you yesterday if she could tag you on Facebook in the ultrasound pictures. You panicked because you haven’t even told 50% of your friends and family.

So, tell me again, where does this 50/50 split come in?

Names

I saw something that said “You never realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a true statement.

I’ve come up with a few keepers, but I was feeling disappointed. I just thought when I found it I would know. Like something would click when I heard the name, or I would just somehow feel it in my bones. And that wasn’t happening…until now. I’ve got my boy name all picked out. The middle name is still debateable, but I have time. The girl name is also pretty solid. I don’t have quite the same feeling, but I also am crossing my fingers for a boy…. so I think that might be why.